Some days are just plan hard. You have this immense love for someone that you did not carry in your womb, but that your heart thinks has been a part of you forever.
Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute you didn't grow under my heart but in it. ~ Fleur Conkling Heyliger
In the adoption community I've often heard people say, "Fake it 'til you make it." It might seem harsh, but loving kids from hard places is sometimes just plain hard. You would die for the child, you can't imagine your life without the child, your passionate about helping them learn, grow & heal, you'll fight for them at ARD meetings, fight for therapies, argue with insurance companies, and educate, educate, educate the community; and then some days you want to flush them down the toilet with the box of wipes they just put in it.
In all honesty I've had to ask God and the child for forgiveness more times than I can even count. It's always a 3 steps forward 5 steps back life with a child from a tough place. Add Special Needs + non-verbal to that & it's all kinds of hard. God never said the 'yes' would be easy, but he did promise it would be worth it.
It took 3 years for me to realize that a lot of the anger that had built up in my heart was not directly related to the child but from thoughts of his past. And even though I knew I could not change the past, the frustration with this child being abandoned, left to be cared for in an orphanage, and then only 2 days away from a transfer to an adult mental institution when I hugged him for the first time had taken it's toll. I was angry about the neglect, angry for the fear in his eyes, angry because he was seen as nothing. Then the what if's came, followed by the grief of all the children I had left behind. Then one morning as the frustration built over this child's behavior came, I became overwhelmed with the peace that only comes from God. My eyes were opened to all that the enemy was placing in my heart, and I knew that it was time to let it go & move forward with all that God has done for this child. He has been redeemed, he is loved, he is respected, he's a son, a brother, a nephew, and a grandchild. This child I have prayed for is perfect just the way God created him, his story has changed peoples lives, their hearts, and their view on adoption and special needs. His story has overlapped so many other peoples stories and it is beautiful, and messy, and sometimes ugly, but it is his story and we are blessed to be apart of it!
And he is worth it!
If your an adoptive momma who is struggling. I pray that you would trust God to give you the strength every day, that you will not try to be a super mom on your own, and that you will press into God daily. Remember Joy comes in the morning, every day you get to wake up & start over. And if you need a reminder of how far your child & you as a parent have come, go back and watch the videos & look through the photos from when you hugged your child those first times. It will do your heart good. Promise.
What things have you found that promote healing? How do you refill when your drained? What things do you do to promote bonding?